Pink Haze.

Its been a long time.

I'm different now. How? I am not sure.

Today was strange. I realized that I miss talking to you, well I have know that for a while.

It's so strange how the world works out. It is twisted. People don't know what they really need or what they should say in the moment. Why is that? I have been wondering what to say for a while now. I'm not ready now but I am bursting inside. I feel like lately I have been on a rollercoaster. Last week was the worst one I've had ever. Today, was exciting but it wasn't "real". You did have one thing right. It is easier this way. More fun, if fun is not being able to controll anything.

What is the next step though? I can't spin like this forever.

I wore that perfume today. It is pink. That light girly pink. That pink is one of those colors that if you had to describe me that color would be enough. I like that. <3. Maybe someone else will like that too.

Romantic.

Sometimes i wish i lived back in the olden days. Robert Doisneau

that space everyone has

Why are some days better than others? Nothing is changing about my life but me. Why do I feel so frantic lately. I laugh like a crazy person one moment then am super depressed the next. You know? I feel like I am doing too much to handle, but what I am doing is not enough to keep my mind occupied. I haven't healed. I do not think I will either. I'm full but empty. Where are my friends? Just to let you know, you are still my best friend I miss you lots because it doesn't feel like we really connect anymore. I hope its not from all my stupid mistakes.

When I rain, it hurts the sun that is inside
every time I rain it feels like my heart is trying to hide.
Come light me up, fill me again
my new life needs to start, let this life begin.
The sadness inside pours out of my eyes
why every night does my heart want to cry?
So please when I rain, don't bottle my tears
hold me and say ill love you for all my years.

by Heather (me)

Ever just want to turn off the lights and go to sleep forever? Right now it feels like it. What is the point? I'm not making a difference in any ones life. I need to change the world...I'm not doing anything right now.

Goals:

1. Do one or more super nice thing for someone or something.
2. Stay positive, because I owe it to you.
3. Be quiet and think about it/you/everything/me/life.
4. Study SAT (even though walla walla is most likely in my future)
5. Love to the fullest, I'm not going to pretend anymore starting now I will be a better friend.

I love all you guys, no joke. Thank you for being there for me. I say that lots but I really mean that. I feel really not stable right now and I feel like I am spinning in circles and I'm not really sure what is going to happen next. That is making me insane because I'm so type A. Agggh.

Little Help, Little Love, Little Forgiveness, Little Hugging, Lots of you, more of you.

?emevigroF Please.

You1 mean so much to me, and my life isn't the SAME without you.I feel like everything I said means nothing now. I lost your trust and the value that you once saw. I broke just one promise, you broke many. I let you down. I was supposed to be the strong one. I think its you now. I'm happy at least that you are trying to figure it out. I don't even want to think about it. The sad thing is, I feel like its too late for me to do anything about it. I already said and did too many things that created a space between us. How do we mend it?

You2 have been my friend for so long and I let you down too. I just want to say I am so sorry. You are going to find out. I just know it. Please let me be the friend that needs your help this time, just forgive me. Its never IN to break promises, but its always going to be OUT to lie to your friends.

Love both of you guys, I'm sorry I let you down. I really thought I was better than that, but I guess I just wanted to show my self that Im not. I'm probably never going to regain your respect. That makes me more sad than I was when I lost you1, or when you2 choose her over me.

Quote of the day:

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.

by Sydney J. Harris

I will regret not telling you how I really feel later if this doesn't end up the way I want it to now, but I think it is better to live and get hurt than, for fear of the hurt to never live. I really believe this, and I want to live and love even if I get hurt.

Brownies

They are pretty tasty. Brownies are my favorite dessert, they are so chocolaty and fudgy. They give me really bad stomach aches though. So my question to ponder this next week is are the brownies worth the pain?

I am back on the outside of the box. Why will they not let me in? Someday, there will be a person who wants to join me on my side of the box. Until then I am alone. Alone is a strange thing to feel. It is like when you zone off into space and your brain goes numb. It is like that but in your heart. Brownies would totally help. After though, when I am in pain everyone will say that it would of been better if I just stayed on my side of the box. Hmmm.

Quote of the day:

Ah me! love can not be cured by herbs.

by Ovid

For you:

If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

by Mary Engelbreit

Late Night Bust

Well lately my life has been kinda weird. Beach Vespers was on Friday, that was fun. Actually I really enjoyed it. Even though I missed working on the sand art or whatever you call it. You better keep your pinky promise. -.-. Got it? Dare on the bus ride home was one of the highlights too. That was fun even though I had to kiss Viv. Yuck. I Likes Boy. Then ihop where I muched off of Michelleo. I didn't fall asleep until 12:30 a.m. That is so late for me. Saturday I thought was going to be tons of fun. Yeah lets just say that didn't happen. Viv came over after church and we ate at my grandmas house for lunch. We had to do the dishes. That makes it two times now. So she doesn't hate just you. :P Hannah came to my house to pick us up and we all went to Victoria Gardens, I was the only one who wanted to go apparently so Hannah and Vivien just moped around the stores. We came home at 7:30 and they had this brilliant idea. Not so brilliant, lets leave it at that. Luckily no harm done. Thank you for your support, I needed it that night. I didn't sleep until 1:00 a.m. another late night. Sunday was lame sauce. Today I feel not so good. Its probably from sharing noodles with Hannah maybe next time we shouldn't just leave our chopsticks in the soup. I was really lame today, but my hair looked nice so maybe you will talk to me again. Hopefully.

Quote for the Day:

It is sad and wrong to be so dependent for the life of my life on any human being as I am on you; but I cannot by any force of logic cure myself at this date, when it has become second nature.

by Jane Welsh Carlyle

A little less confusing

just for you. Ok so today there was testing, and it was lame but tomorrow is going to be like way lame-er because the tests are super long. I feel like a noob because this is the second day in a row that I'm posting on blogger, lame. Well lunch was fun, I played tag. Haha. So second grade! Why can't it be as simple as second grade. Life back then was so nice and easy. Beliefs wasn't that bad since Pastor Holm is gone. Drawing class is so funny thanks to Eric making fun of all the freshmen who are like "Can I draw you Heather?" Omg. After school I found out I didn't have a ride. Boo. So I had to sit there like a loner until Hannah was out of labs. Well luckily I wasn't completely a loner. It actually was pretty good talking to you so maybe this won't be so bad after all. You never listen to what I say though. You hear but you don't understand what my words are meaning. You know? I guess friends for now it will be. Since that's what you want.

Quote(s) of the day:

"The only way to have a friend is to be one."

by Ralph Waldo Emerson

Just had to use this quote since the name just kinda pooped up.

Friendship doubles our joy and divides our grief.

Swedish proverb

This one is for you, maybe what you need right now is a for real friend.

I guess you get to decide what that means but just choose your friends wisely, there are people who really care about you.